So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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