I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
