I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
