This dress was meant to end up on your floor
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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