I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
