i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
