I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
