I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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