She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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