Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
