dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
