i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
