My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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