All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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