Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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