I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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