someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
