birth control should be required to get into college
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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