I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
