okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
