i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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