I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
