So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
