One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
