The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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