Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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