He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
