Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
