Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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