Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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