in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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