Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
