Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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