I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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