Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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