I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize
