My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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