i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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