ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
