Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
