omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
