On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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