You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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