he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
