i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
