lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
