Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
