omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
