and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
