Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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